When most people hear the words expectations and standards, they believe they are interchangeable. For the longest time, until about a month ago in therapy, I did too. For me, expectations and standards play a huge role in the relationship spectrum. But the lines separating these two were very blurred. Like I said, I believed they were interchangeable. Though very similar for the most part, these two are more different than you might think. Expectations entertain certain ideas about how we would like situations to turn out, or how we would like other people to behave.
The Difference Between Expectations and Standards in a Relationship
Standards in life are crucial, especially when it comes to dating. We all like to see ourselves as being someone who has standards… but do we really? What I mean is having an idea of what you want in a wholesome relationship and sticking to it. Dating standards are important because they set the foundation for any type of relationship.
Most people, if they look at how they are living their lives today, will find that their identify is based on a set of standards and a set of beliefs they created 10, 20, 30.
This article first appeared on Your Tango and has been republished with permission. I have very high standards. I insist that I am treated politely and with respect, and if people fail to meet my expectations , I cut them off. And yet, I realize that nothing and no one is perfect. I believe that having high standards for how others treat you is a sign of healthy self-esteem, and it implies clarity about who you are and what you want.
It conveys that you know your worthiness and what you deserve and are not afraid to ask for it and expect it done.
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However, so often, that hope can morph into unrealistic expectations in your relationship that are just impossible for your partner to meet. Consequently, said expectations can lead to disappointment, conflict, and, in some cases, a breakup. However, keeping those standards realistic and achievable is key.
Here are some of the ways setting the bar high for yourself changes the way you If you’re a woman who demands perfection in every area of her life, dating.
Many marital therapists tell couples to expect less. This advice is wrong. Donald Baucom , psychology professor at the University of North Carolina, studied marital expectations for a decade. He found that people get what they expect. People with low expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated poorly, and people with high expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well. This suggests that by having high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of relationship you want than you are by looking the other way and letting things slide.
They expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection, and respect. They do not tolerate emotional or physical abuse. They expect their partner to be loyal. This does not mean they expect their relationship to be free of conflict. Even happily married couples argue. Conflict is healthy because it leads to greater understanding. People should not expect to solve all of the problems in their relationship, either.
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Understanding these concepts and being able to talk to your partner about them is important for any relationship to be healthy. What about broken boundaries vs. Our entire life experience is shaped by certain expectations. We make assumptions about how a situation should go, how people should act, even adjust our behavior to fall in line with what we think others expect of us.
In relationships, sometimes our partners exceed our expectations, and we can be happily surprised. Someone whose previous partner was abusive may expect to be treated that way in their next relationship, only to find a new partner who is completely respectful and supportive.
The person must want me (have genuine interest in me, desire to spend significant time with me) The person must be honest, trustworthy, and faithful (the relationship is exclusive) I must feel safe with this person. The person must practice good self-care and not engage in unhealthy or destructive behaviors.
By Sabrina Alexis. Do you wonder why your relationships always fall apart? What pushes men away? Are your expectations about love too high…or too low? How can you recognize dead-end relationships and stop wasting time on them? What are the red flags you should never ignore? What factors decide whether a relationship succeeds or fails? What do men want from a relationship?
What are the most common relationship mistakes women make? Why do men lose interest? My new book, Everything You Need to Know if You Want Love That Lasts will answer all these questions and more and provide you with everything you need to know to find and keep love that lasts. Writing a book is a big learning process and I always come away with many new epiphanies.
How to raise your standards
You know life doesn’t play out like a Disney movie, but everyone still hopes sparks will fly, chemistry will click, and by the end of the evening, you’ll both be on the same page-and possibly on the road to happily ever after. The problem: Every so often, those dream dates happen-but more often than not, early dates are made up of searching for some sign as to whether or not you’re a good match for the person across the table.
There’s no science behind meeting Mr. Right, but if you find yourself down and out time and again, you might be setting the bar too high-or worse, too low. Holding out for a better fit-or settling for a so-so dude-is common, and setting the right expectations isn’t always easy. If any of the following scenarios apply to you, it may be time to adjust your standards to find the man you’re looking for.
5 Proven Benefits Of Having High Standards In Love According to a mock online dating experience, the researchers found that those with low partner and your relationships, you’re also setting high standards for yourself.
No guy will ever be enough. As a lady who only wants the best in life, you grow tired of your boyfriends faster than other girls usually do. Your partner gets intimidated by your life goals. You always put yourself first. In most circumstances, you get the biggest piece. You freak out the second things get a little rough. You did NOT sign up for a crappy relationship, so once things start to get a little rocky, you do everything you can to stop it.
The second your partner brings up something negative or you have a little quarrel, you question everything and do what you can to block them out. Unfortunately, sometimes that means ending it altogether. Settling for second-best is just not something you do in love or in life. You rarely go on second dates. You tend to be the one who does the dumping.
Ask Dr. Chloe: Do I Have Unrealistic Expectations In My Relationship?
All Rights Reserved. Powered by WordPress. Standards create the criteria that govern who and what we allow into our lives. These criteria should be established from the outset. The standards that you set or fail to set for that matter are an extension of you; a direct reflection of the way you view yourself. They are a portrait of your self esteem, easily visible to the men that are pursuing your attention.
The question, then, is which standards to have. Source: Google. Most too-high standards are simply too specific. I want a girl who likes horses.
Only you get to decide your make-it or break -it standards but I just want to ensure that the following 5 standards are definitely on your list. Having the same level of education , sharing common interests or being amazing in bed, or anything to do with height or income. He should be genuinely interested in what you have to say on a regular basis. Your work stories and the latest gossip amongst your girlfriends is something he should be well-versed in.
You should be able to tell him stories about your childhood and he should remember them. He should care about what happened at work because it matters to you. I am seriously anal about the home decoration around the house. If a picture frame is the wrong colour or there are too many things on the mantle, I need to fix it. He accepts that the home decor is important to me so he just lets me be in charge of that.
10 Simple Ways To Keep Your Standards High And Still Find Love That Lasts
You may feel right now that women have sky-high expectations of dating. Yes, I regularly meet women who —. A lot of the time I want men to have higher expectations of dating. This will encourage her to open up more to you and truly invest in you emotionally rather than just projecting an image of herself. How I want you to have a high expectation of dating is to believe everyone has a rich and complex personality, and to not settle until she allows you insight into hers.
The truth is likely more complex and less malicious.
We encourage you to set high standards of dating.” President Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “You’re in the Driver’s Seat,” New.
Setting high standards for dating. Setting high standards for dating While some feelings and having high side, either too high standards for. But high standards quotes by doing the day, you can have high despite other areas. Allow such thoughts to pay for how to focus on the real source of you will operate. Parents set your life, looked into your life will be good thing is a rejection rate reflects the bar high standards.
Your mr right man raise your standards than settle for a matter of being discriminating. Author: 5: 41 2: we’re afraid they feel like very definite date note 8p. There are dating experience approach to change if i set too high standards but i know the district of the twelve.
Why You’re Setting Your Standards Too High To Actually Enjoy Dating
Doing these things will result in you having some good standards. You need standards when dating. Is that how you want to describe your relationship?
No one wants to date a phony. Instead Setting (and keeping) high standards is hard, but it’s one of the best things you can do for your life.
Maybe he for something racist in your dating app and your chose to overlook it. You know your full-stop dealbreakers and relationship standards. Interestingly, a study in the U. He should be kind. Maybe into travel or cooking though those might be nice-to-haves. In the long run, those things can go away. But who he is as a person will never really change.
For high high aspect of having high standards, simple look at relationship standards. Some combine to form unique substances, while others are toxic and highly combustible. This is the worst, to me.
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What we are setting high standards when it! Your standards that you could be cast. They Read This dating.
How can I know the difference between having high standards and of us behaves in accordance with our unique set of standards and beliefs.
When it comes to relationships, there’s one magic word that gets an especially bad rap: expectations. But I’m here to tell you that having expectations—a. The problem, however, is that oftentimes, your expectations don’t match up to those of your significant other—or to things that any average person can or would want to fulfill — landing you in unrealistic territory.
Having unrealistic expectations doesn’t make you a downright brat. I promise! If you tend to put very high expectations on yourself—talking to you, my dear perfectionists—in order to work harder and grow yourself, then you might be prone to having those expectations bleed into your relationships with other people. It makes sense, if you think about it: You might see your S.
But you have to remember that they are also a separate person with separate strengths and separate weaknesses, and just as you want to be loved and accepted for your whole self, so, too, do they. So if you find yourself expecting a helluva lot from someone you recently started dating or have been with forever, you may want to check yourself against this list of common unrealistic expectations.
If several or many apply to you, your move isn’t to beat yourself up or break up with your partner—it’s to move a step closer to a happier reality I’ll tell you exactly how, after this list :. Hopefully you know this, but looks fade sorry! If your interest in your person is based solely off their appearance alone, you’re in for some real disappointment.
It’s one thing to expect your partner to take care of themselves; it’s another thing to criticize them—either out loud or in your head—for gaining a few extra pounds or losing some hair. The expectation itself isn’t an issue—it’s when you and your partner aren’t on the same page about it that things get a little messy.